“I know how I want to act, but I find myself doing a different thing every time”
This is something that I hear all the time as an NLP Practitioner (Neurolinguistic Programming).
Time and time again, I have a client sitting in front of me who has developed enough self-awareness to realise that they have a certain behavioural pattern that is not serving them and that they want to change, but when it comes to actually ACTIONING that change, they find themselves stuck repeating the same pattern. Then they spiral into a loop of negative thoughts and feel terrible about how ill-disciplined they are.
Well, I’m here to tell you that there’s absolutely nothing to feel terrible about. It’s simple brain science.
Tony Robbins says, “We will act consistently with our view of who we truly are, whether that view is accurate or not.” What he means by this is that we will not act in accordance with who we want to be, but in accordance with who we believe ourselves to be.
This quote is supported by science. Our subconscious mind controls 95% of our daily thoughts and actions. Our subconscious mind also holds our entire life experience and core beliefs. So, if you have a subconscious belief that you are X, but you consciously want to be Y, no matter how hard you try to be Y you will always eventually revert back to X because that is what you deep-down believe yourself to be. Your subconscious will always steer you back to what is ‘safe’ (and safety is found in the known).
I’ll give you a personal example...
For the longest time I desired (consciously) to run consistently. But, deep down, as a result of certain childhood experiences I had a belief that I was bad at running and that I could not do it. What happened? I would get a burst of motivation (this is of the conscious mind), I would start running and within two weeks I would have stopped again. Then I’d criticise myself for lacking discipline, would feel horrible about myself and the whole cycle would start again in a few months.
Did I truly lack discipline? Not at all. Give me something that I know I’m good at, and am comfortable in (like studying for exams) and I can consistently produce excellence. It was not an issue of discipline but of belief. I believed myself to be bad at running, so my subconscious kept steering me back to home base.
This is why I believe that 99% of the rhetoric relating to discipline is absolute bullshit.
Is there an area of your life where you are extremely disciplined? Amazing, then you don’t lack discipline.
So, where do we go from here?
First, we have to start with some much-needed self compassion. Stop beating yourself up for being a human being with a magnificently designed brain that only ever has your protection in mind.
Secondly, let’s uncover the belief that is preventing you from consistently doing the thing that you want to do. This belief will, 99% of the time, be found in your childhood. What were you taught about this thing as a child? What did your parents/community/religious organisation have to say about it? What was your childhood experience with it? Were you bullied in this particular area? Did you experience any trauma around this particular thing?
The third step is to re-program this belief. At the risk of sounding like I’m trying to sell you something and/or gatekeeping information, the easiest way to do this is to seek out an NLP Practitioner that you resonate with. This is because we are trained in the language of the subconscious and have techniques at our disposal to bypass the subconscious mind a lot faster than you could on your own. That being said, I want to stress that it is entirely possible to do this on your own.
What this looks like is you intercepting your pattern before you do it:
Outline the action/behaviour that you no longer want to engage in
Find the trigger point - what is the thing that triggers you to partake in this behaviour?
In between trigger and action, there is a sacred pause. You can either ignore this sacred pause and continue to the behaviour you do not want to engage in, or you can use the sacred pause to choose a different strategy for yourself.
Within the sacred pause you need to analyse the action you’re feeling called to take next (the behaviour you do not actually want to take). This could be done by speaking aloud to yourself (this connects the left and right brain, which is incredibly beneficial), or you could journal (this brings forth the subconscious mind). Ask yourself whether the action you’re feeling triggered to take is the action that is ultimately serving you, your goals and the person you want to become.
Ask yourself what benefit you will receive by indulging in this behaviour (99% of the time this will be a feeling of safety/comfort).
Then, ask yourself if there is any other action you can take in this moment that can give you that same feeling but is beneficial to you rather than destructive (again, 99% of the time this is going to be something that makes you feel safe + regulated within your body).
You might not get this right every time. You’re human and you have a miraculous brain that has spent every second of your entire life working towards what it believes to be your ultimate benefit. Please, if you remember anything from this article, it’s to be grateful to your brain for serving you as best it can. Even the most destructive, painful behaviours are behaviours that your brain genuinely believes to be in your best interest. Let’s work WITH our brains + bodies instead of against them.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
So here is a little more about who I am & what I do...
Emily Vina Cooper is a certified NLP Practitioner & Life Coach. She goes by the name of ‘Emotional Freedom Coach’, because she has a passion for uncovering WHY people do the things that they do & feel the way that they feel in order to fully heal the root of the problem + finally move forward in life. Through her nuanced understanding of the human experience, Emily is simultaneously able to meet you exactly where you are whilst guiding you to the version of yourself that you want to be (hint: she is already within). Through her training as an NLP Practitioner, Emily uses tools + methods that speak directly to the subconscious mind, allowing for change to occur within her clients quickly. Emily is also a co-creater of the Embodied Coach Academy, a holistic certification training for aspiring coaches.
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